Most of the first calls we receive are not from the person who needs help. They are from a wife, a husband, a son, a sister, a close friend. Almost all of them say a version of the same thing: "I do not know how to bring it up."
There is no script that works every time. But there are ways of approaching it that make a good outcome more likely, and a few that reliably make things worse. This is what we tell families.
Before you speak
Pick the moment. Not during an argument, not when they are drunk or high, not at 11pm. A calm morning, a walk, a car journey. Somewhere private, with time.
Decide what you want from the conversation. You will not get an admission, an apology and an agreement to treatment in one go. A realistic aim for a first conversation is that they hear your concern and the door stays open.
Know what you are offering. It helps to have already spoken to a treatment provider, so that "get help" is a specific thing with a place, a cost and a next step rather than a vague demand. Many families call us first for exactly this reason. The call is confidential and does not commit anyone to anything.
During the conversation
Say what you have seen, and how it makes you feel. "I have noticed you are drinking most nights and I am frightened" is hard to argue with. "You are an alcoholic and you are ruining this family" starts a fight.
Do not list the evidence. You are not building a case. Two or three specific things you have noticed are enough.
Expect defensiveness, and do not meet it. Denial, minimising, anger, turning it round on you: all of these are normal and none of them are the end of the conversation. Stay calm. Repeat your concern once. Do not escalate.
Ask, then listen. "How are you finding things at the moment?" opens more doors than any statement. People often know something is wrong and have been waiting for a way to say it.
Offer, do not order. "I have found somewhere that I think could help, and I would come with you to talk to them" gives a person a choice. Ultimatums sometimes work in the short term and usually cost you the relationship.
Afterwards
Leave the door open. "I am here whenever you want to talk about it" matters more than anything you said before it.
Do not go back to normal. If nothing changes, you can raise it again. Families sometimes need several conversations over weeks. That is not failure; that is how change usually happens.
Look after yourself. Living alongside someone's struggle is exhausting. Our family programme includes sessions for relatives, and they are available whether or not the person has agreed to treatment.
What if they refuse?
This is common at first. Three things help:
- Keep the relationship. People come to treatment because someone stayed in their corner.
- Get advice. Our admissions team speaks with families every day about how to approach a particular person and situation.
- Sometimes a clinician's voice lands differently. A conversation with one of our team, in person or by phone, often shifts something that a family member cannot.
When it is urgent
If someone is in immediate danger, from an overdose, a medical emergency or a risk to themselves, call 999. Treatment conversations can wait; safety cannot.
For everything else, you can call or message us without them knowing, with no obligation. Many families do.